To the water-heads who manufactured my Carbon Monoxide detector:

I would like to address the person or persons who designed and manufactured my Carbon Monoxide detector. Allow me to share a story...

Yesterday, I worked the closing shift at my job and knew that I would have to be up early this morning to go back to work. Upon returning home, I took care of a few chores, wrote some letters and decided it was time for bed. Upon retiring to my room, I said my prayers, turned down the sheets, turned up my heating pad and turned on some music. As I climbed into bed, a subtle peace and warmth came over me - quickly allowing me to embrace a state of harmony and bliss. My body relaxed and my troubled thoughts melted away. I could almost see visions of Mr. Sandman coaxing me to sleep. I fell asleep within a matter of seconds. I was sleeping peacefully until about 2:00am...

Suddenly, I was awakened from my pleasant slumber! Why was I so violently disturbed? Why was I awake? The awakening was so abrupt. I then noticed a loud "beep." I was still confused. Was I still partially asleep? I pondered these thoughts until another "beep." What was that? As I fumbled out of bed, another "beep." They were becoming more frequent. I didn't make it to the bedroom door before another "beep." Where is this coming from? I started to check the smoke detectors. No aroma of smoke... "Beep." Before I had a chance to walk to the other detector, "beep." Was I going insane? What the hell "beep" was happening? Ah! My sights were fixed on the culprit. It was my Carbon Monoxide detector. Allow me to share with you the specifics:

Nighthawk (a division of KIDDE safety) Single Station Carbon Monoxide Alarm. Model # KN-COPP-B. Assembly # 900-0089. Issue # 2524. Yeah, you didn't think I had all of that information did you?

I quickly picked it up to read the parts-per-million of Carbon Monoxide that it was detecting. You should ventilate your home when readings are at or above 11ppm. 35-100ppm usually means you have a leak in your home. 100ppm can cause the onset of flu-like symptoms - requiring you to evacuate the premises immediately and seek medical attention. I was extremely concerned. Was I in danger? I read the digital display... Hmmm, that's odd - ZERO! Why the hell was this thing beeping? Because the battery was low... What kind of imbecile designs a product that operates at full capacity when there is absolutely nothing wrong with it? I'm so glad that it was exerting whatever electrical charge it had left to tell me that I needed to change the battery. That is far more important than saving energy to warn me of a CO content of 11ppm+. A single beep or illuminated LED would have been just fine for me. I'll change the batteries - I don't need an incessant alarm to beep at me at increasing intervals at 2:00am to get my attention.

Thank-you,

-J