New Year's Resolutions.

After careful consideration, I've decided to make a few New Year's Resolutions. After all, I am a firm believer in self improvement. Some of these are going to be difficult; but with will-power and the help of God, my family and friends, I believe that I can accomplish all of these.

I resolve to:

Quit snorting cocaine. I've lost too much weight and haven't been able to taste my food in months. One of my teeth fell out this morning, too.

Stop using racial slurs. Honestly, who benefits from this? You don't see the Japs making fun of us...

Stop beating women. I'm starting to think that this barbaric act of conveying my thoughts is no longer necessary. I figure women have already been oppressed enough in America's history that I don't need to add insult to injury. I guess in my case it would be injury to insult...

Stop drinking. I guess it's not the drinking so much as the drinking and driving that makes it so dangerous. What can I say? I'm growing and maturing. After my third arrest, second DWI conviciton and court-ordered AA classes, I really feel like I can kick this habit.

Lose weight. I am really going to do my research this year and discover the best "silver-bullet-weight-loss" pill out there. Diet and exercise are for suckers...

Spend more money than I make. After all, my debt will eventually transfer to my estate upon my death. Either these financial obligations will be cancelled or defaulted to my family. What did they ever do for me anyway?

Effectively manage my time. There are many activities that I perform each day that are a waste of my time. Although these tasks only take a few seconds / minutes, they cumulatively take precious time from my schedule. Among the daily activities that I am choosing to stop: lifting the toilet seat, brushing my teeth, wearing deodorant, fastening my seatbelt, greeting my neighbors, taking showers and fully cooking my food. I have found that I can also combine certain tasks to save time. For instance, I can take a nap on my way home from work, clip my toe-nails at the movies and put food in the oven while I run a few errands...

Obviously, I'm kidding about all of this. However, I do want to wish everyone who reads this a very, Happy New Year.

-J