New Year's Resolutions.

After careful consideration, I've decided to make a few New Year's Resolutions. After all, I am a firm believer in self improvement. Some of these are going to be difficult; but with will-power and the help of God, my family and friends, I believe that I can accomplish all of these.

I resolve to:

Quit snorting cocaine. I've lost too much weight and haven't been able to taste my food in months. One of my teeth fell out this morning, too.

Stop using racial slurs. Honestly, who benefits from this? You don't see the Japs making fun of us...

Stop beating women. I'm starting to think that this barbaric act of conveying my thoughts is no longer necessary. I figure women have already been oppressed enough in America's history that I don't need to add insult to injury. I guess in my case it would be injury to insult...

Stop drinking. I guess it's not the drinking so much as the drinking and driving that makes it so dangerous. What can I say? I'm growing and maturing. After my third arrest, second DWI conviciton and court-ordered AA classes, I really feel like I can kick this habit.

Lose weight. I am really going to do my research this year and discover the best "silver-bullet-weight-loss" pill out there. Diet and exercise are for suckers...

Spend more money than I make. After all, my debt will eventually transfer to my estate upon my death. Either these financial obligations will be cancelled or defaulted to my family. What did they ever do for me anyway?

Effectively manage my time. There are many activities that I perform each day that are a waste of my time. Although these tasks only take a few seconds / minutes, they cumulatively take precious time from my schedule. Among the daily activities that I am choosing to stop: lifting the toilet seat, brushing my teeth, wearing deodorant, fastening my seatbelt, greeting my neighbors, taking showers and fully cooking my food. I have found that I can also combine certain tasks to save time. For instance, I can take a nap on my way home from work, clip my toe-nails at the movies and put food in the oven while I run a few errands...

Obviously, I'm kidding about all of this. However, I do want to wish everyone who reads this a very, Happy New Year.

-J

Cool.

This post will be short, but I will also delete it and re-post the following quote when I finish this book. I have recently been reading The Purpose Driven Life, by Rick Warren. On Day Sixteen, the book describes the importance of love within our lives. It focuses on not only our love for God, but our love towards each other. I frequently tell my family and girlfriend that I love them. I never understood why it was always second nature to me. The following quote helped me realize that it's because love is a priority in my life. I always give my time to those I love.

"The best use of life is love. The best expression of love is time. The best time to love is now."

Cool, huh?

-J

Trophy dating - an interesting observation...

Why do 90% of my blogs pertain to the "Romance and Relationships" category?

Today, my son and I went Christmas shopping. Believe it or not, this is the earliest I've started this ritual. However, my procrastination habits are a blog I'll write tomorrow...

I love to people-watch. As we were driving, walking and shopping, I saw numerous couples. Yeah, who would have thought, huh? A week out from Christmas and there's people out-and-about. It's just weird... As we wandered around, I became more intently focused on the behavior of other people - especially couples. I felt like Stan Lee's character in "Mallrats." As we pulled out of one of the parking lots, I came to a stunning realization. I saw so many "cute" couples that probably couldn't have been less into each other. It depressed me. I almost felt bad for those people. It's amazing how physical attributes play such a huge role in our society. It was discouraging to see so many couples that "go through the motions." The shopping, lunch, coffee, etc. - they looked so completely miserable; but on the surface, they seem to be your ordinary, happy couple. In a following moment of genius, I officially termed the phenomeon as "Trophy Dating." Think about it. How many women date guys in which they really have nothing in common, but stay with them because he's attractive or rich? On the same token, observe how many men continue to date the Barbie dolls of our world, but will never actually enjoy a stimulating, intellectual conversation. Of course, there's always the scenario in which one treats the other like a doormat, but they can't escape the abuse because of the emphasis they place on looks and/or security. It's easy to say that people caught in this mess "deserve" it. However, many people have had the rotten luck of being treated this way for such a significant amount of time that it blinds them and clouds their judgement.

I'm human. I have my share of brain-farts and insecurity-based episodes. But it's moments like these that make me realize how fortunate I really am to have had - though few and far-between) a bundled package.

False sense of adulthood.

During the course of our lives, there are some random events that unfold. Some of these events teach us that we have an ill-conceived perception of our lives and who we really are. In some instances (such as the following material) we realize that we may not be as mature or grown-up as we once thought. Yesterday, in a blazing moment of clarity, I learned just this.
It was early in the afternoon and a colleague and I were sitting in the office. We were diligently at work on the computer when we heard a particular phrase. A vendor for our company was on the phone with one of our stores. We work for a grocery retailer, so this phrase was within context. The vendor was addressing a deli manager and offered the following:

"When do you want me to come cut the cheese with you?"

A new initiative for our delis has been a cheese wheel program that is sliced fresh and sold to our customers. However, my friend and I looked at each other and both broke into manic laughter at the same time. I'm sometimes embarrassed to say that dick-and-fart jokes will never get old. I think we both laughed ourselves to tears. Furthermore, the vendor had no idea what we were laughing about. A "had to be there" moment? Probably. But I still thought I'd share this little gem with the users of myspace, who apparently enjoy reading my blogs.

-J

To the water-heads who manufactured my Carbon Monoxide detector:

I would like to address the person or persons who designed and manufactured my Carbon Monoxide detector. Allow me to share a story...

Yesterday, I worked the closing shift at my job and knew that I would have to be up early this morning to go back to work. Upon returning home, I took care of a few chores, wrote some letters and decided it was time for bed. Upon retiring to my room, I said my prayers, turned down the sheets, turned up my heating pad and turned on some music. As I climbed into bed, a subtle peace and warmth came over me - quickly allowing me to embrace a state of harmony and bliss. My body relaxed and my troubled thoughts melted away. I could almost see visions of Mr. Sandman coaxing me to sleep. I fell asleep within a matter of seconds. I was sleeping peacefully until about 2:00am...

Suddenly, I was awakened from my pleasant slumber! Why was I so violently disturbed? Why was I awake? The awakening was so abrupt. I then noticed a loud "beep." I was still confused. Was I still partially asleep? I pondered these thoughts until another "beep." What was that? As I fumbled out of bed, another "beep." They were becoming more frequent. I didn't make it to the bedroom door before another "beep." Where is this coming from? I started to check the smoke detectors. No aroma of smoke... "Beep." Before I had a chance to walk to the other detector, "beep." Was I going insane? What the hell "beep" was happening? Ah! My sights were fixed on the culprit. It was my Carbon Monoxide detector. Allow me to share with you the specifics:

Nighthawk (a division of KIDDE safety) Single Station Carbon Monoxide Alarm. Model # KN-COPP-B. Assembly # 900-0089. Issue # 2524. Yeah, you didn't think I had all of that information did you?

I quickly picked it up to read the parts-per-million of Carbon Monoxide that it was detecting. You should ventilate your home when readings are at or above 11ppm. 35-100ppm usually means you have a leak in your home. 100ppm can cause the onset of flu-like symptoms - requiring you to evacuate the premises immediately and seek medical attention. I was extremely concerned. Was I in danger? I read the digital display... Hmmm, that's odd - ZERO! Why the hell was this thing beeping? Because the battery was low... What kind of imbecile designs a product that operates at full capacity when there is absolutely nothing wrong with it? I'm so glad that it was exerting whatever electrical charge it had left to tell me that I needed to change the battery. That is far more important than saving energy to warn me of a CO content of 11ppm+. A single beep or illuminated LED would have been just fine for me. I'll change the batteries - I don't need an incessant alarm to beep at me at increasing intervals at 2:00am to get my attention.

Thank-you,

-J