Friends,
Here we are again. Me: sitting at my computer. The soft-pitched whine of the spinning fans keeping me company in the dark. The soft glow of the monitor provides just enough light to illuminate the room so I can find my cup of coffee. The craving to share my thoughts have swept over me, forcing me to appease my blogging addiction.
I want to share my introduction to Mitch Albom. Though, I've never met him, a higher power has made it a point to make sure that his work was introduced to me.
October 25th, 2006 - As I'm looking for a new-to-me book to read at Half Priced Books, I literally almost trip over a novel lying on the floor. The Five People You Meet in Heaven is actually "glowing" up at me. I pick it up and begin to read. A purchase is made and I head to Mozart's to feed my mind. Who knew that my soul would enjoy a good meal, too?
June 26th, 2007 - I am once again at Half Priced Books, looking for a book of poems by Robert Browning. A book is mis-slotted right next to the one I want. It looks familiar. A hard-bound book is etched with a font that I have seen before. Another novel by Mitch Albom - Tuesdays with Morrie. I am probably the only living soul that has yet to read it. A purchase is made and I head to Mozart's. I easily tear through 100 pages - more than half the book in less than two hours.
Each time I read these books, my mind and emotions are exercised to the point of physical exhaustion. It's proof that mind, body and soul are connected. Whether I'm at home or a local coffee shop, I spend the drive home and/or that night in bed unable to sleep because of the passages I have read. This might also explain the late-night writing...
These two books have focused intently on death. They are portrayed in a beautiful manner, not in a morbid sense. Both are easy reads. His work does not have to be disected at the literary level, but it makes you think in your own, unique way. These books have made me ask myself a lot of questions. The following is a few of the answers that I have found.
My time here has already been determined. What I do with it is solely up to me. Though God already knows how every play of my life will occur, I have been given the free will to make my own choices and decisions. I grasped this concept even as a child in elementary school. I proudly sported a t-shirt once a week (usually Fridays) that stated: "You're born. You die. What happens in between is up to you." Death has a way of making you live. I am chronically ill. Although it will probably not claim my life, it will make it extremely uncomfortable at times. Since I was told about my disease, I spent only a few days on self-pity and fear. That was enough. I'm reminded enough about it through how I physically feel to recognize that it's there. This recognition is only necessary so that I can combat it the best I can with my medication and diet. There is nothing I could have done to prevent it. I'm genetically predisposed, so there is no reason for regret. However, it has made me appreciate "the little things" even more. Even the simple act of wiping my own ass is a blessing. One day, I might not have an ass to wipe. A colostomy is the only cure for my disesase...
Lately, I have intimately contemplated what I have done with my life and whether or not I am proud of what I have accomplished. I guess I'm trying to discover the meaning of life while I'm still alive. My brain won't be able to figure it out when I die. Here are two definitions that I have come across during my life. I agree with both of them.
The meaning of life is to live it. I live life in a unique way - as does everyone else. However, I've recently discovered that I am different than most people. I get more out of this life because I am emotionally advanced. A hightened emotional life is both the cause and effect of my lagging mental capacity and physical qualities. My social skills are also a disaster. Everything that happens to me is experienced on an extreme emotional level. A sunset can bring tears to my eyes. A kind word can put me on a high for days, if not more. I'm not moody or manic-depressive. I just ride this rollercoaster with a certain, white-knuckled intensity. This usually opens myself up to the accusation of being too sensitive, etc. In this society, we're so quick to treat people who exhibit this behavior with insults and medicine. These people have a gift. Don't get me wrong - if your emotions cause you to be a threat to yourself or others, you probably need some help. My emotions don't run me. I don't embrace them. I own them.
The meaning of life is to love and worship God. It is important to be part of something bigger than yourself. It's also the tell-tale sign of a true romantic. Too many things have happened in my life for it all to be a coincidence. However, I can't use those events to explain my relationship with God. Faith is what separates those who love God and those who believe he exists - just in case.
So, am I happy? If I pass in my sleep tonight, can I let it all go? Absolutely. Sure, there are a lot of things that I still want to do. I want to be a great father to my son. I want to make new memories in old places. There are some things that I enjoy that I shared with the wrong person. I also have the desire to leave a mark in this world, but with one, simple twist.
There is probably only one way to enrich my life. It's something I have no control over, though. But sometimes I think: "Wouldn't it be grand to meet someone on my path?" As I mentioned before, I am somewhat of a romantic. I feel as though I live with only half of a heart. The other half is with someone else. The only thing I really "want" is to find it. How blissful it would be to spend my life with someone that could teach me and learn from me. So often I've thought about how to leave my mark in this world. What I really want is to co-create a relationship that would let us leave our's. Although I'm only at the tender age of 26, I sometimes feel that any time without this person is time wasted - especially if I die sooner than later. I'm hoping God will send that person to me sooner than later, too. Times like these remind me of two things my father once told me:
Don't waste good time. There was a time in my life where I harbored a lot of anger at people who hurt and/or betrayed me. People still hurt and betray me, but I forgive a lot quicker. You have to let go. Don't let other people ruin your time on this earth.
The hardest time in a young man's life is between the ages of 20 and 30. God, this is so true! My life has been a rocky road for the last several years. I know people frown at the notion of getting older, but he's probably right. Maybe God's waiting until I get there before I sabatoge both our lives - unintentional as it may be.
I can be a patient person and servant of God. Quite frankly, I only want one more relationship - my last one. If I have to spend the next few (several, whatever) years alone to get there - so be it. Why do all of my blogs get steered in this direction?
People often have a hard time taking me seriously. Either because I'm joking all the time or because I write things that seem too personal and intimate to share. When times get tough, I often find myself laughing and joking through them. It isn't a device to mask my hurt - but sometimes things get so out of control, the only thing left to do is laugh about them. The truth is, I want everyone who cares to know about me to know the true me. Besides, if you read this and feel inspired, changed or better in any way, then I have been able to give you a small gift. I live for moments like that.
God bless,
-J
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